Welcome to the first post of the month. I can’t believe it’s already November! I’m a little sad that October is over, as it’s probably my favorite time of the year. However, I’m also happy that we’re entering another exciting period, with Thanksgiving and Christmas just around the corner. In this blog post, we’ll be discussing the mid-life crisis, which seems appropriate as we’re nearing the end of the year. When one thing is about to end, another is about to begin. That’s essentially the mid-life crisis in a nutshell: the end of an era and the start of a new one. However, there’s one common misconception – that it signifies the end of everything. Let’s dive into this topic, which is sensitive to some and cliché to others. We’re all likely to go through it at some point in our lives, although we may not want to label it as a crisis, but rather as an experience. Many of us might be in denial of what it is, but the truth is that going through this stage, whatever you want to call it, is necessary. It prepares and challenges you. Wouldn’t you agree? Well, let’s delve further into this conundrum often referred to as “the midlife crisis”.
The Midlife Crisis: More than Sports Cars and Piercings
The midlife crisis – a term often met with eye-rolls, images of sports cars, ear piercings, impulsive decisions, you name it. But is it all just a cliché? In this article, we’ll delve into the midlife crisis, exploring its complexities, debunking myths, and offering psychological insights from renowned psychologists like Irvin D. Yalom, Carl Jung, and Abraham Maslow. We’ll also discuss the suppressed fear of death that often approach the surface as we get closer to the end of our lives, and what effect that has on us. I’ll also be sharing with you some of my personal experiences.
Understanding the Midlife Crisis
A midlife crisis is typically associated with the ages of 40 to 50, a period when individuals face profound psychological and emotional shifts. Irvin D. Yalom, an existential psychotherapist, explains that midlife often prompts existential questions about the meaning of life, mortality, and choices made along the way. It’s a stage of deep introspection, and for some, upheaval.
Carl Jung, a renowned Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, emphasized the significance of the midlife period as a crucial phase for individuation. Jung proposed that the midlife crisis signifies a crucial moment for individuals to embark on a journey of self-discovery and psychological integration. He believed that during this phase, individuals often grapple with unconscious aspects of their personality that are often suppressed, leading to a deep exploration of their inner selves and desires. Jung suggested that the midlife crisis serves as an opportunity for individuals to confront unresolved conflicts and unfulfilled aspirations, paving the way for a deeper sense of self-awareness and personal fulfillment.
Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory offers a valuable lens through which to view midlife crises. As individuals progress through life, they often reevaluate their needs. Physiological and safety needs are typically met, prompting questions about belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. Maslow’s theory explains how the pursuit of self-actualization, personal growth, and self-transcendence can play a significant role in the midlife crisis journey.
Debunking Myths
Before we dive any deeper, let’s discuss some common myths about the midlife crisis that have been circling around for ages. Contrary to popular belief, a midlife crisis is not always negative or solely materialistic. Having said that, we can attempt to shift our perspective by thinking it as more of a midlife experience. It’s important to also remember that a midlife crisis doesn’t discriminate by gender or race, and it’s not necessarily a sign of personal failure. It’s a normal phase of adult development – one that in many cases leads to profound life transformation that can elevate life satisfaction. As with any crisis, there’s always a turning point that can lead to great things.
Positive and negative aspects may include a dissatisfaction with life, a questioning one’s accomplishments, and a desire for change and adventure. These experiences can sometimes be disorienting and cause a person to experience desperation, especially if there’s a sense of stagnation. The best approach to deal with these emotions is to accept them as normal. There is nothing wrong with you. The experience is uncomfortable because you’re begging for change and change is damn difficult, especially if you’re a creature of habit. And we’re all creatures of habit, by nature.
It can be especially challenging when there’s a desire for change combined with uncertainty about what needs to change or a fear of change. It’s crucial not to be judgmental toward yourself during this time. Practice self-compassion and patience. Embrace new experiences that you’ll be grateful for, and in the process, welcome discomfort. Do what you were once afraid to do, or choose not to do them. Remember, there is no inherent good or bad, only what you can accept. Also, keep in mind that you don’t have to have everything figured out, and that’s okay. Life is a mystery, and so are you.
Accept that others may view you as dramatic or “unstable”, and this is most likely because they themselves are afraid of change. Human beings tend to project their own feelings onto others out of fear to recognize something in themselves. And who cares if they see you this way, you don’t have to make excuses for who you want to be. What makes you happy? What fulfills you? That’s what matters.
The Unveiling of Mortality
As individuals journey through life’s diverse stages, an underlying fear of mortality often remains hidden, lingering in the recesses of their consciousness. However, it’s during the midlife crisis that this suppressed fear of mortality begins to emerge, propelling individuals into a profound sense of urgency and compelling them to address long-held desires and aspirations. This newfound awareness often induces a heightened unease, pressuring individuals to take immediate action, despite the practical constraints and circumstances that may impede their endeavors.
This heightened awareness of mortality can be an overwhelming and distressing experience, particularly when individuals grapple with deferred ambitions and desires due to various life circumstances. Many individuals may find themselves situated at different stages of Abraham Maslow’s pyramid of needs, rendering the pursuit of self-actualization and personal fulfillment a challenging undertaking. Consequently, this can foster a pervasive sensation of feeling “left behind”, amplified by the weight of societal expectations.
The tension between the longing to pursue delayed aspirations and the practical constraints, be they financial, psychological, or physical, can engender profound inner turmoil. Some individuals may grapple with concerns about their changing physical appearance and fear a diminishing chance of finding a partner as they age; this is often perpetuated by societal expectations that prioritize youth and beauty. On the other hand, others may feel the pressure to achieve financial stability and success, wrestling with self-esteem issues when their career paths have yet to yield prosperity. This struggle is compounded for those living with family, as societal expectations often demand self-sufficiency. These pressures are often compounded by gender.
Additionally, the experience of empty nest syndrome, as children leave the home, can lead to a profound sense of starting over, compounded by the weight of two decades gone by. These complex pressures and emotional conflicts often leave individuals torn between present limitations and future aspirations, fostering a profound sense of internal discord and existential restlessness.
Oftentimes, the solution to this tumultuous inner struggle lies in embracing the journey and practicing gratitude for what life has offered thus far. While the pressures of societal expectations and personal constraints may seem overwhelming, it’s important to remember that your experience is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach.
Navigating the complexities of the midlife crisis requires a delicate balance of introspection and acceptance of one’s current circumstances. It demands a conscious effort to recognize the validity of individual experiences, acknowledging that each person is on their own path, with their own set of challenges and triumphs.
It is through this lens of compassion and understanding that we can begin to unravel the layers of societal expectations and personal limitations, allowing us to explore the depths of our own desires and aspirations. The midlife crisis is not just a phase to be overcome, but rather an opportunity for profound self-discovery and personal growth. It is a chance to shed old identities and embrace the evolving nature of our being, leading us toward a deeper connection with our authentic selves.
My Personal Experience
During this midlife experience, I often found myself with a burning desire to let go of the various identities I had accumulated over the years. I yearned for a blank slate, a chance to redefine myself on my terms. However, this process of detachment was not as straightforward as I had imagined.
When I was 39, I anticipated that when I turned 40 there was going to be some shift in consciousness, but nothing happened right away. It wasn’t until a year after Covid hit that I really absorbed the weight of time. I was not prepared for how difficult it would be. I knew I had to detach from the persona I had previously attached myself to, I just didn’t know that there would be a mourning process. I had to find a way to relate to the world and the things I enjoyed in a different way. For example, I knew I could no longer take certain risks in sports because of past injuries and the deterioration of the body as it ages. These are things you don’t think about in your twenties or thirties. It wasn’t until this point in life that the thought hit me – whatever additional injuries I might incur would be more difficult to recover from and could possibly result in me not being able to do those things I loved later in life. This meant that I had to do things in new ways and accept what I was no longer able to do. Acceptance combined with gratitude has been key.
I slowly began to accept these things, which required me to change my relationship to the things I love. After doing that, I felt a deep sense of gratitude that I was able to do them in the first place. And in other roles, such as being a mother, I had to let my child become an adult. God-forbid I would become the “helicopter parent” 🚁 🤱 😄. All the energy I was used to pouring into my young child had to be redirected into something else, and during the search to fill this void, there’s uncertainty and restlessness. It’s all too easy to fall back into the former role until you realize that it no longer fits – it must be redefined.
And on the topic of relationships… I wanted my relationships to thrive, but to achieve this, I had to accept things that couldn’t change and embrace people as they are. I discovered that the ego has a persistent tendency to attach itself to familiar roles, whether it’s that of the dancer, the instructor, the athlete, the dutiful parent, the devoted spouse, or the best friend. The ego also harbors expectations, clinging to ideals as much as it clings to the roles that sustain them. Unraveling these attachments feels like a struggle between freedom and loss, liberation and insecurity…but once you emerge on the other side, and you will, you’ll find yourself shining brighter than ever.
As I delved into this necessity for detachment from old expectations and roles, I grappled with the societal demands that had shaped these identities. It became clear that I had internalized certain expectations not by genuine choice, but as a reaction to external pressures and societal norms. I needed to be more flexible with myself and more practical. Shedding these layers meant not only confronting my own expectations but also those of the world around me. It meant questioning the narratives I had adopted and reassessing the stories I had told myself about who I was supposed to be and how I was meant to approach things. It necessitated letting go of all-or-nothing thinking and practicing self-compassion. And as I felt that pressure lift, my creativity began to flow like a river!
This journey has indeed been fraught with moments of uncertainty and vulnerability. It involves navigating through expectations and confronting the discomfort that comes with letting go of what is familiar and what has brought external validation in the past. There have been times when the allure of familiarity or simply fear and conditioned thinking and behavior patterns tempted me to revert to old patterns, but the persistent call for authenticity and peace of mind kept me moving forward and urged me to push through…for my own sake.
Letting go of my identity wasn’t about abandoning the essence of who I am; rather, it was about liberating myself from the constraints of societal roles and the expectations I placed on myself. It’s about embracing the multifaceted nature of my being and acknowledging that identity is an illusion. We are not fixed beings, but rather evolving and transcending through time and space. This realization brought with it a newfound sense of freedom and a deeper connection to my authentic self.
Empowerment and Self-Discovery
Creating digital art and writing have been new experiences for me that have proven to be intrinsically rewarding, which is important to me. Developing the ability to detach from identity and freely engage in activities that inspire me is a life skill I continually strive to improve. It has allowed me to embrace my diverse interests and expand the range of my life experiences. This process of self-discovery is a transformative journey that continues to shape my understanding of the self and the world around me.
You possess the power to transform your midlife crisis into a meaningful and enriching experience. Start by nurturing self-compassion, patience, and gratitude. Embrace the process of self-discovery, granting yourself the freedom to explore new dimensions of your being. Trust in your inner resilience, and you will unearth hidden strengths you never knew you possessed. Always remember, life is a continuous journey, not a race towards a predetermined endpoint. Cherish the present moment and the unfolding of your own unique story. 🧜♀️
“If you feel something calling you to dance or write or paint or sing, please refuse to worry about whether you’re good enough. Just do it. Be generous. Offer a gift to the world that no one else can offer: yourself.” ~ Glennon Doyle
